Finding Your Sexy

Where is your sexy? Dance workshops by Justin Riley are centered around such a question: what makes a dance more sexy? Or so I hear, as I have not taken such a workshop myself, but a common consensus in these classes is to exude confidence. Some say everything is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power. Confidence exudes an heir of power, yes? I think this is entirely relevant food for thought, but sexy is more than confidence. That heir of confidence will soon deflate if you have no genuine self-worth to back it up. Sexy is also more than the go-to body image of muscles for men and curves for women, or abs on both. Dress that form, sure: tighter or well-fitting garments, taller heels, shorter hemlines. There is an art to dressing which makes a form more appealing, I will not deny this nor the psychology behind wearing clothes that make you feel powerful or otherwise awesome. I had a friend in college who changed his entire world by wearing business suits instead of jeans and T-shirts. He slipped into otherwise closed events, commanded the respect of people twice his age, and ladies adored.

We cannot discuss sexiness without including ethereal youth, vastly escaping us all. Makeup and hair dye or more extreme cosmetic surgeries boast entire industries playing up the ideal of youth. Let me tell you, my ninety-two year old grandmother was still going on blind dates months before she died. I want to be that wholly alive senior. I will not deny that in her 60s she had some work done. At the age of 92, there are no disillusions of youth. For heaven’s sake if sexiness depended solely upon youth, we could all consider our lives over by a certain age. Which one? You pick. Have you considered your younger self’s approach to sexy compared to your now more mature approach? Ha! Assuming you have matured. Curiosity defined my younger days, and while I am yet curious, also am I wiser to my body and to others’ integrity. I want more out of my sexuality now than I ever could even begin to understand in my younger days. I know myself, and what I want is much more complex and requires deep knowing for myself and another to fully enjoy.

So where is your sexy? Did it make an exit along with the youthful body image now evading an older self, or post-baby body? One baby and my body was generally intact save a misshapen belly button. Baby number two? I have stretch marks, extra stretched out belly skin, deflated boobs and as flat a chest as early puberty. The chest thing is a recent development nearing an end to five years of nonstop pregnancy and breastfeeding. There for a while, that post-baby body gave me some curves to boast for this very blog. Change is inevitable and I am working to embrace each one as it flies at me. My sexiness cannot rely upon my body, though I can take my bodily experiences and turn them into something sexy. We do live in our bodies and need to find comfort within them. Housing and nourishing two children may not sound “sexy” but I assure you biologically or evolutionarily speaking, ain’t nothing sexier than creating and growing life. So I could choose to focus on a more constant to my appearance: I like my legs, I’ve always had my smile. Let’s quit physicality for a moment. I know it’s important. I’ve had a broken knee. I’ve lost half of my blood volume on another occasion, and consider myself familiar with physical limitations and how they impact the psyche. Let’s go back to the aged and a desire to drink life and sexuality down to the dregs through-out our time on this earth. What is sexy? Sex or gender is a primary way we relate to and identify with the world. I venture to say it’s in your head, the mind as the most powerful sex organ in the body. How do you carry yourself? Consider your mental and feelings state, and that may vary moment to moment. How in touch are you with your desires and emotions, and how does all that play together with your interactions in the world? Yes, dress to feel and appear as you desire to present. Yes, by all means take care of your body as this vessel is the only one you get in this life, until science advances otherwise: exercise, eat foods that feel right, look at the stars now and again to consider your place in all the space. Sexy is who you are, and you must know yourself to find your sexy.

A popular photographer and blogger recently published a beautiful four minute read on the notion that she cannot make her clients beautiful; beauty is who they are, joyfully interacting with the world, or who they aren’t denying the world in the name of propriety. I say the same for sexy. Sexy is not your clothes nor is it removing them; sexy is not some seductive look, in fact that look may have the opposite effect if you’ve got nothing inside you to back it up. Sexy is knowing your self and your worth. Sexy is the stuff that makes confidence real and from the core. Build relationships with those who honor and respect you, participate in activities that cause you come alive, and you will discover your self-worth. Relationships are the sharpeners to the blades of life. Mindful of who is touching that blade and in what ways. Your self-worth may depend upon those relationships and the ways you allow others to interact with you. Get outdoors, find activities that remind you of your place in this world. Is it the wooing of the ocean’s waves, the giant Redwood stretching the skies, or star-gazing, or pushing your body up a mountain or on the dance floor to sound of emotions. Art forms are glorious pools of exploration: music, paintings, photographs, fashion, sculpting, cooking…. Know and own who you are, and in that space sexy is a wonderful byproduct.

Speakeasy Photos

MUAH: Danyelle “The Hair Maverick” Johnson

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